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I close my eyes for just a moment and dream that...... ....the soft whish of car exhaust brushing past my face is actually a warm tropical breeze from an island I have never vacationed on.

I know that warm air, that smell I used to have a car - I used to drive up Second street towards the Long Beach Freeway out of the city. into the warm recesses of the adjoining suburban landscapes.

Aaaaah to be going HOME.. home, with a plumbing problem and a temperamental sprinkler system, or even a temperamental landlord- these aren't my "problems" any more - my life such as it was - was based on a reality I could not maintain- their were too many demons in my head - to close them out - post traumatic stress syndrome - that's what the therapists called it when I returned from home from Vietnam. After maintaining a home, 40 to 50 hour a week inventory and warehousing job and even a spouse - I cracked - the one paycheck away from homelessness adage applied, and within weeks I was down to my last dollar -

Fast Forward six years - I am feeling your car exhaust against my calves - my mind wanders to comforts of days past and I beg for your spare change. I have tried to get into a recovery program, but in Los Angeles as in most places across the country, access to recovery programs and mental health services for low-income people are almost non-existent.

The State Supreme Court gave a nod to municipal anti-begging laws this Thursday, ruling that they do not regulate the content of a person's speech and are not "constitutionally suspect."

The 5-2 ruling has no bearing on Los Angeles' attempt to ban so-called aggressive panhandling because the ordinance is blocked in federal court. But the recent ruling basically robs me and my fellow panhandlers of the ability to defend our right to freedom of speech.

The sad fact is, certain members of the community just don't want poor people such as myself in sight, just as Mayor Daly didn't want to see young African-American youth standing on street corners in Chicago (until the Supreme court ruled to the contrary on that case).

All I'm saying is eradicating images and individuals in poverty doesn't take away the problem or help the individual who is suffering - it just furthers the urban trend of economic apartheid. I'm not going to hurt you just because I am here, I am just here.

THERAPY COSTS TOO MUCH!!!!
Dee Gray, M.S.W., M.F.C.   Licensed Therapist specializing in advocacy and crisis counseling. Mother, daughter and family counseling. Adoption and juvenile dependency. Literary and creative art counseling. Individual and group therapy. Sliding scale fee. (415) 541-5629.